it always seems to be that i know just what to say until i sit at the computer. maybe it's a pen i miss. maybe it is a changing season in my life that has me silent. maybe it is the time i spend away from my writing mind. i think sometimes i'm afraid that i don't know how anymore. not the writing part, but the allowing my mind to relax into the place it used to go.
i am trying to learn about my new family. the one i adopt when i marry chris. i am trying not to take offence. i am trying to understand the differences. i am trying to figure out how certain things can exist and him not see them and other things can not exist and him talk as if they are there while i look around frantically trying to see what he sees. something is not aligning. i hope that time will clear some of that up..
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
at thirty two..
i found my husband. well, maybe i was thirty and maybe he found me. but at thirty two, he got on one knee at dusk by the the ocean, surrounded by a beautiful fog and asked me to marry him. and at thirty two, i said yes.
what came before him was travel, solitude, beauty in strangers, self-discovery, poetry. but what came directly before him was a staleness. a knowing that to hold onto that part of my life would be grasping. i had come upon an undeniable ready-ness to leave my solitude behind. or rather, to find someone who allows it right alongside them. i was nesting. i had written that i had a yearning to create a warm home for a man. i wanted to clear a spot at the foot of my bed for him to put his boots.
about a year later, i met him. i did not recognize him right away, but he recognized me. he did not live in the same city as me and flew back within a few weeks to see me again. i still did not recognize him, though did find a certain comfort in his company.
about eight months later, he called because he wanted to look at cottages. he was considering moving back and wanted to live in one of the cottage communities down hwy 59. he showed up to my office and my receptionist came to my door with a confused yet amused smile and said "...there is a.. Trucker.. here to see you?" i came out of my office and gave him a hug. it was like he had unexpectedly become an old familiar friend and i was sincerely happy to see him.
i told Trucker early into our day that i was in a relationship. he took it gracefully and both of us carried on with the day in a beautifully natural manner, no longer needing to worry about the nerves that come with trying to court someone, or being courted. there was no need to worry about whether there should be an end of the night kiss, or how the other was feeling the day was going. for the first time since we had met, we got to just be ourselves. we settled into a lighthearted and very enjoyable day together.
as the day went, we drove out about an hour from town, we laughed and looked at cottages, we visited the renters at my own cottage which was in the same area. we stopped to eat at the Birch. there were moments that stirred something in me. when he pointed at the side mirrors on the truck and called me 'dear', when he got up from the table at the Birch and i was hit with a wave of attraction toward him.. attraction was a feeling i had come to accept as rare. i was not used to actually wanting someone. not being attracted to a mind or personality, but actually having a physical attraction to a man.
we headed back to the city as the light in the sky died out. it was a great day. in the morning my roommate and i went to the farmers market and to the morris stampede. i found myself thinking of him. i found myself giddy. i tried not to be, but it was in me. i had just had my first real glimpse at my husband, not that i knew it in those terms, but i had an excitement in me. a feeling that was very foreign. i had no idea what it meant.
it is strange to admit that i was attracted to a man while dating another, but it also clarified that the relationship i was in was unbalanced and unnatural, not to mention on its third and final life. it was a beautiful friendship that had been contorted into something that only one of us truly wanted. i ended the relationship the next day.
Trucker came by to drop off my car charger that I had forgotten in his truck. he and amy and i all sat around the firepit in the yard, with no fire in it and drank wine to a sunny day in july. i let him know i had broken up with my boyfriend and i think we both felt the shift of possibility which was not there the last time we saw each other. he was wearing jeans and a button shirt with the sleeves rolled up, beige flip flops. his skin was tanned. when i looked at him, i kept feeling that glimmer again. it was love. i just didn't know it yet.
within a few weeks, he moved in. his roommate was selling her place, and i don't even remember us discussing it, him moving in just seemed like the natural thing to do.. he had very few possessions to move. one of them was a pair of boots, which he placed next to my bed. i was filled with peace.
i struggled against the feelings growing for the first little while. i had lost trust that i could stay with someone without eventually wanting out. i had just hurt someone and didn't want to do it again. i had just experienced the hurt of loss (even if it was at my own hand) and did not want to get attached to someone again. he was patient. he just waited contentedly for me to see it. one day we were having dinner on a patio. he looked at me with tilted head and said, you know what you are to me? you're my june carter.
i was in love.
we bought a house, he bought into the cottage, we took each others hands and started our lives together. when he asked me that question by the ocean, everything aligned. i broke into tears at the beauty of it all. not just the spot he asked, or the trees or the mist. the way he takes care of me. the way that i take care of him. the way that we love each other.
and so this marks the beginning of our journey together. so much of it is still unwritten, i am comforted and ever grateful to get to walk through life with my hand in his.
And so, the new blog and our life together begins...
what came before him was travel, solitude, beauty in strangers, self-discovery, poetry. but what came directly before him was a staleness. a knowing that to hold onto that part of my life would be grasping. i had come upon an undeniable ready-ness to leave my solitude behind. or rather, to find someone who allows it right alongside them. i was nesting. i had written that i had a yearning to create a warm home for a man. i wanted to clear a spot at the foot of my bed for him to put his boots.
about a year later, i met him. i did not recognize him right away, but he recognized me. he did not live in the same city as me and flew back within a few weeks to see me again. i still did not recognize him, though did find a certain comfort in his company.
about eight months later, he called because he wanted to look at cottages. he was considering moving back and wanted to live in one of the cottage communities down hwy 59. he showed up to my office and my receptionist came to my door with a confused yet amused smile and said "...there is a.. Trucker.. here to see you?" i came out of my office and gave him a hug. it was like he had unexpectedly become an old familiar friend and i was sincerely happy to see him.
i told Trucker early into our day that i was in a relationship. he took it gracefully and both of us carried on with the day in a beautifully natural manner, no longer needing to worry about the nerves that come with trying to court someone, or being courted. there was no need to worry about whether there should be an end of the night kiss, or how the other was feeling the day was going. for the first time since we had met, we got to just be ourselves. we settled into a lighthearted and very enjoyable day together.
as the day went, we drove out about an hour from town, we laughed and looked at cottages, we visited the renters at my own cottage which was in the same area. we stopped to eat at the Birch. there were moments that stirred something in me. when he pointed at the side mirrors on the truck and called me 'dear', when he got up from the table at the Birch and i was hit with a wave of attraction toward him.. attraction was a feeling i had come to accept as rare. i was not used to actually wanting someone. not being attracted to a mind or personality, but actually having a physical attraction to a man.
we headed back to the city as the light in the sky died out. it was a great day. in the morning my roommate and i went to the farmers market and to the morris stampede. i found myself thinking of him. i found myself giddy. i tried not to be, but it was in me. i had just had my first real glimpse at my husband, not that i knew it in those terms, but i had an excitement in me. a feeling that was very foreign. i had no idea what it meant.
it is strange to admit that i was attracted to a man while dating another, but it also clarified that the relationship i was in was unbalanced and unnatural, not to mention on its third and final life. it was a beautiful friendship that had been contorted into something that only one of us truly wanted. i ended the relationship the next day.
Trucker came by to drop off my car charger that I had forgotten in his truck. he and amy and i all sat around the firepit in the yard, with no fire in it and drank wine to a sunny day in july. i let him know i had broken up with my boyfriend and i think we both felt the shift of possibility which was not there the last time we saw each other. he was wearing jeans and a button shirt with the sleeves rolled up, beige flip flops. his skin was tanned. when i looked at him, i kept feeling that glimmer again. it was love. i just didn't know it yet.
within a few weeks, he moved in. his roommate was selling her place, and i don't even remember us discussing it, him moving in just seemed like the natural thing to do.. he had very few possessions to move. one of them was a pair of boots, which he placed next to my bed. i was filled with peace.
i struggled against the feelings growing for the first little while. i had lost trust that i could stay with someone without eventually wanting out. i had just hurt someone and didn't want to do it again. i had just experienced the hurt of loss (even if it was at my own hand) and did not want to get attached to someone again. he was patient. he just waited contentedly for me to see it. one day we were having dinner on a patio. he looked at me with tilted head and said, you know what you are to me? you're my june carter.
i was in love.
we bought a house, he bought into the cottage, we took each others hands and started our lives together. when he asked me that question by the ocean, everything aligned. i broke into tears at the beauty of it all. not just the spot he asked, or the trees or the mist. the way he takes care of me. the way that i take care of him. the way that we love each other.
and so this marks the beginning of our journey together. so much of it is still unwritten, i am comforted and ever grateful to get to walk through life with my hand in his.
And so, the new blog and our life together begins...
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